"Dear Paul,
As our time with ERA comes to a close we are both sad and glad as I am sure Reuben is too. We will all be a little nervous going it on our own without the wonderful support of ERA. I know we will have long distance support, but we have come to love and trust your staff and will miss regular association. But we are so glad for the hard work you all have done on behalf of our family. Thanks forever!
Also, I have an idea that may help other parents of ERA students. One mom from Illinois has called me a few times. Her son, Nick, is a new student there. She was calling with some concerns and feelings that I had at first, too. So I am thinking that some of my experiences may be common to others as well. If I could share some of my "what to expect" and "how to cope” thoughts, the gist of what I would share is:
Trust the process. With each stage of the program, from admissions, to graduation, I have had to re-learn this dozens of times. If you don't feel the staff or therapist are taking your child's problem seriously enough, they are. They are just use to it and for you it is a shocking revelation.
Trust the therapist and staff. They are human and may make mistakes. Sometimes they are over worked and might even forget an appointment--something you have been waiting for all week! But they never forget your child and are constantly thinking of their welfare. They spend sleepless nights seeking for inspiration to motivate your child. Sometimes the assignments they give your child may seem a bit crazy! But they have a lot of experience with children like yours. They have the advantage of a totally controlled environment that you did not have at home and that alone, gives them the opportunity to direct your child in ways you could not.
ERA focuses on the things that got your child there. ERA is not an institution of academia. Students do have an opportunity for and are encouraged to do accredited school work. But it is not the primary focus. Our son was there 8.5 months and completed more than one year's worth of credits. But he was not putting in six hour school days or being particularly challenged. The focus is on the student learning to govern himself in all things. It is on the 8 values. It is on making healthy choices, and in our son's case, sobriety. ERA is about helping your child to focus on his family relationships. It is about discovering his weaknesses and strengths and learning what to do with those. Everything at ERA is about helping students leave ERA equipped to succeed outside of ERA.
There was a time when I was a little bothered that ERA did not have some fancy vocational training program or more advanced educational component. But before ERA my son was skipping classes and failing them and in a life threatening relationship with drugs. As a graduate he is now ready and eager to return to academic studies, finish his Eagle Scout award, get a part time job, participate in our family and church.
One thing I did that I would like to share with other parents was keep an ERA journal. Each time I got a postcard, I taped it into this spiral notebook. And when the therapist called, I dated the entry and took notes as she spoke with us. I wrote down the things our son said in the sessions and what we said. When that is your only contact with your child for an entire week, it helps to re-read those entries and make sure you and your spouse, correctly remember what was said. If gives you a way to monitor a particular issue and give some continuity to your sessions. And as the months go by, you can look back and see what your concerns were, remember how anxious you were, and realize how much you have grown as well. It will help you increase your trust in the process and the staff. The new student mother who called me last week asked how long it was until we had our first phone session with our son. I couldn't remember, so I got out my notebook. In looking back at those early entries, I recalled feeling anxious as this mother did. A few little lines on a postcard is not much to keep you going when you have just committed yourself to enormous debt and sent your child to strangers in the desert! Ten weeks was a long time then, to go without hearing my son's voice and getting some reassurance from him that I had done the right thing. But now I realize the wisdom in that "time out" session. It gave our son and us a cooling off period that we didn't realize we even needed. For ten weeks he was focusing on writing his amnesty paper and thinking about the things he had done to get him there. And for us, that ten weeks without the insanity that his choices had brought into our lives, healed us. We began to be restored to our former selves. With that peace came the strength we needed to begin looking at our own emotional growth. Keeping a journal helped this process.
Another thing I would like parents to know is that nothing at ERA is contrived. They do not use deception in any part of their program. I thought they did, but they don't. There are plenty of times when simple human mishaps bring about opportunities that will test your child. Students learn to trust the staff and process, probably faster than you do, because they are there and can feel the genuine love and concern they have for each other.
The teaching method at ERA seems to be discovery. Little is spelled out for you and the students. When you are ready to know something, you will ask about it and get your answers. The therapist will help you and your child think about things and let you come to your own conclusions. They have always been willing to answer my questions and listen to my concerns. In my case, I had an aversion to the AA program as a resource for my son. The therapist, in her wisdom, listened to my concerns and told me her experience as a therapist. Over a period of months, she would explain how she had seen this program help a lot of people. As I began to trust my son more and hear his explanations of why he felt AA gave him support he needed, I softened. During his home visit, we had more experiences that changed the way I view that program. I appreciate the patience and wisdom of the therapist.
The beauty of ERA is time. It takes time for parents and students to discover the lessons they need to bring about growth that will promote success. I learned you cannot predict a graduation date and you cannot rush or force a student's growth. You have to trust it will happen and trust that the staff have your child's success and your budget in mind at all times. But this kind of life change cannot be forced or rushed. In talking with my son, he felt sorry for kids whose parents "pulled" them from the program to accommodate a school calendar or a financial crunch. These kids are smart and can sense the limit of a parent's commitment to the program. They seldom succeed if they know there is a meter running. It just becomes a waiting game for those students. Our son had been a master manipulator and we knew his only chance for success could come in a program that was open ended, depending on his growth. So from the very beginning, we let him know we were committed to doing everything ERA asked of us and that we were determined to stay with the program to its completion. There were times when we were tempted, especially after the home visit. We had even been warned that parents sometimes felt their child was "fixed" after the home visit and did not even return the student to finish the program. It is a temptation. But I can't even begin to tell you the growth that came in the two months following the home visit. I am so grateful we did not prematurely terminate his program. I remember one of the first things his therapist said to us. After getting to know our son, we asked her if she felt there was hope for a real change. She said yes, but she hoped we had the stamina to stay with the program. It is hard and you may be tempted, but sticking with it is second most important thing you can do for your student. You have already done the first most important thing and that is to enroll him at ERA.
Sincerely, Janene